Short Story

...

It was ok, not as good as some of your other stuff though.

Suggestions:

It was kinda hard to get into to be honest, try giving it a better hook. Though this is just my opinion.

Could add more drama and thought before Claude shoots the guy.

and slow down the ending a little.

I'm not reading that.
No offence, but I'm lazy.
I bet it was good, though.

I don't know... I'm feeling like adding a love interest will open up the story to a wider variety of readers.

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

souldragon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

It was a proper long story.
And I mean LONG.
Seriously.

Eggz wrote:

souldragon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

It was a proper long story.
And I mean LONG.
Seriously.

Long? It was an assignment for a short story. ._.
Seriously, that was a mere 8 pages on Microsoft Works...
I'm in such trouble! =.=

Long is the one i've been working on that's currently 163 pages...I haven't edited it yet, nor did I finish...(It's also on hold.)
I'm starting on another one...barely 19 pages so far.

ARGH!

Fluffon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

souldragon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

It was a proper long story.
And I mean LONG.
Seriously.

Long? It was an assignment for a short story. ._.
Seriously, that was a mere 8 pages on Microsoft Works...
I'm in such trouble! =.=

Long is the one i've been working on that's currently 163 pages...I haven't edited it yet, nor did I finish...(It's also on hold.)
I'm starting on another one...barely 19 pages so far.

ARGH!

That's why I choose game-design... It's simpler.
Although I have been complimented by my American Literature teacher on my writing capabilities, but considering she consistently marks me incorrectly wrong for imaginary grammatical errors, I'm not sure how truthful her word is.

Fluffon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

souldragon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

It was a proper long story.
And I mean LONG.
Seriously.

Long? It was an assignment for a short story. ._.
Seriously, that was a mere 8 pages on Microsoft Works...
I'm in such trouble! =.=

Long is the one i've been working on that's currently 163 pages...I haven't edited it yet, nor did I finish...(It's also on hold.)
I'm starting on another one...barely 19 pages so far.

ARGH!

At times like this I'm glad that I'm lazy.
Why are you in trouble??

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

souldragon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

It was a proper long story.
And I mean LONG.
Seriously.

Long? It was an assignment for a short story. ._.
Seriously, that was a mere 8 pages on Microsoft Works...
I'm in such trouble! =.=

Long is the one i've been working on that's currently 163 pages...I haven't edited it yet, nor did I finish...(It's also on hold.)
I'm starting on another one...barely 19 pages so far.

ARGH!

At times like this I'm glad that I'm lazy.
Why are you in trouble??

This dude (My English Teacher) gets pissed because he thinks I try to show off I guess...

Fluffon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

souldragon wrote:

Eggz wrote:

Fluffon wrote:

...

Whut?
Why did you change it?

I thought it had always been like that ._. I thought you guys were just making jokes about the "..."
I guess I should be more observant ._.

It was a proper long story.
And I mean LONG.
Seriously.

Long? It was an assignment for a short story. ._.
Seriously, that was a mere 8 pages on Microsoft Works...
I'm in such trouble! =.=

Long is the one i've been working on that's currently 163 pages...I haven't edited it yet, nor did I finish...(It's also on hold.)
I'm starting on another one...barely 19 pages so far.

ARGH!

At times like this I'm glad that I'm lazy.
Why are you in trouble??

This dude (My English Teacher) gets pissed because he thinks I try to show off I guess...

What?!

I'm pretty good at writing too... Problem is, I once came up for a complete storyline for an anime... WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF! Eventually I figured it out... But it's still annoying.